The Courage to Grieve

Life sucks sometimes.

Two years ago I woke up to some of the worst news of my life. My best friend had just been tragically killed in a paragliding accident with her instructor. Upon receiving the news, my mind raced between confusion and clarity, my body raced between hot and cold, the whole thing was so disorienting my knees gave out, I sobbed and groaned.

I don’t know if science can explain what’s happening in the human body in those moments, but I know from experience it’s intense, it’s all consuming, and it’s utterly painful. I also know it matters. Loving another human means that we will experience tremendous pain when they die.

I want to speak to embolden people to embrace the crazy grief that comes when we lose people we love.

In fact, I want us all to know it’s healthy to go into the darkness for awhile. In my opinion the deep well of grief holds the keys to our transformation. I don’t think we ever get over the loss of a loved one, I simply think we learn to live in a new way.

When we choose to get lost in the pain of memories, the pain of what will never be again, the pain of everyday moments when our loved one should be there, some mysterious metamorphosis happens within us. We see and feel things in a new way. New senses may arise within us that connect us to our departed friend. My pastor lovingly told me, “Kim does not cease to exist Rachel, she just exists in a new way”. This grief metamorphosis can softly thread us into the natural and spiritual world. We feel the existence of unexplainable things and we even find compassion for our suffering neighbors. If we are willing to dive into the well of sadness we may be connected to the human experience like never before. The experience that encompasses life, loss, and love (life, death, and resurrection).

I know each loss is different, but the experience of loss is universal. There is deep wisdom in each of our bodies that is beyond words. Groans that are beyond our understanding somehow teach our hearts to bend without breaking. I believe in trusting our bodies. I believe God has given us mysterious means to healing, and so I implore all people that have suffered a tragic loss to courageously embrace the pain. Cry, talk, groan, and cry some more. And don’t think for a minute that you don’t have time for such things, it may be the wisest thing you ever do.