Changing up "THE TALK"
“How many of you had parents that talked to you about puberty, sex, and porn?”
Maybe one hand went up, the rest of the parents just sat there awkwardly looking down at their coffee. It was time to disarm the room, so I asked “How many of you would have liked your parents to talk with you about your sexual development and porn?” Everyone raised their hands.
From that point, the conversation took off like a freight train. It was as if the pressure was released and everyone began to share their experience and advice around puberty, sex, and porn. It was an honor to be a part of their laughter and tears that morning.
Laughter and tears not only disarm us, but those expressions also draw us into one another. As parents it’s vital we connect with our children even if we’re not perfect, even if we don’t have all the answers, even if we’re scared. Laughter and tears are the bridge to meaningful conversations around topics that matter, like puberty, sexual development, and the expression of our sexual nature. As parents, we have the privilege to create a safe space for conversations. We also have the honor of taking a journey, as scary as it may be, into the heart of topics that will shape our children for years to come. We’ve all heard it said, “If you don’t shape their views someone else will.”
So here are some not-so-perfect but helpful parenting tips for cultivating healthy views in order to stimulate (haha) positive sexual development.
Where to start: First, do your own work.
Before sinking into puberty, sexual development, and porn conversations it’s so important for us to know how we feel about our own bodies, our experiences, and what messages we’ve heard as children. Take time to reconcile your own experience around these topics before bringing them up with your children. You may need the help of a counselor, therapist, coach, or trusted friend especially if there was trauma, abuse, or shame in your past.
Take a minute to reflect on your own experiences:
Puberty
Who talked with you about puberty and was it done in a thoughtful or demeaning way?
Did you feel a sense of shame as your body developed?
Do you know the scientific names for all the beautiful parts of your body?
Sex
Did your family of origin talk openly about sex or was it secretive?
How did you first learn about sexual intercourse?
Can you communicate what you like and what you don’t like during sex?
Porn
When did you first see porn and how did it make you feel?
Did you become addicted to it?
How do you feel about porn now?
Tips for talking with your kids:
Now, let’s think about talking with our pre-teens and teens about these topics. You can try using everyday circumstances to talk about their bodies and development. For instance, when my car was loaded down with a carpool of 6th-grade lacrosse players, I jokingly asked, “Have y’all considered that now may be a good time to start wearing deodorant ?” They all laughed but after that, some of the boys put extra deodorant in their sports bag. Or another time when I noticed my oldest’s first acne outbreak, I picked up some treatment products and calmly talked through how to use them. My younger two were naturally curious and we playfully chatted about how their little bodies would one day, grow more muscle, sprout hair, and get stinky.
Parents can use this line “I want you to know sometimes I get scared and don’t have the answers, but I’m happy to talk with you about anything.” If they open up great, if not, consider sharing an embarrassing or funny moment about your sexual development when you were their age. Kids love to hear about our fumbles along the way. Remember we’re going for connection, not perfection!
Puberty
This is a great moment to normalize the massive hormone releases that cause our kids to move into puberty. They begin to push away, eat more, grow hair, get stinky, and assert themselves as individuals. You can help them understand all of this is normal!
As a parent, you get to celebrate the good growth moments and you get to try to stay calm during the moments of irrational behavior.You can simply say, “I’m sorry I have not talked with you about this very much - but I wanted to make sure I explained…”
By starting with the small things we build trust and disarm negative emotions. You can get an exfoliating cloth and explain that scrubbing off the dead skin from the face, chest, and back can help prevent acne. Pick up some rash creams that are used for the male and female genitals and then say, “Hey, I picked up some creams for your bathroom and I’ll explain how they can help in case you need them.” Simply read the instructions on the box out loud with your kids and ask if they have any questions. Now your kid feels empowered to care for their body.
Explain what the menstrual cycle is and is NOT to your kids- no matter the sex. Sticking to the facts empowers them with knowledge and compassion. While you’re at it, with discussions about periods, just check in with your daughter and make sure she knows the proper names for the female genitalia (external: vulva, clitoris, internal: ovaries, Fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix, and vagina). Knowledge is power! What I mean by this is that the more kids understand their bodies, how they work, and how to care for themselves, the more confident they will be to speak up when something feels off, wrong, or hurt. Caring for ourselves and learning to advocate for ALL our needs is foundational to development.
Puberty Questions to ask your tween:
Have you noticed how the bodies of some of the kids around you are changing?
Do you feel like your body is changing?
Have you noticed how some kids’ behaviors/attitudes are changing?
Or you can try using your reflections as starters:
I really wish someone would have told me it was normal and good to explore my own body.
I didn’t know what to expect about my changing body, here’s a few things that could have made it easier for me…
I felt a lot of shame as a kid about (my period, my height, my weight, my body shape etc). It would have been helpful if I would have believed every person’s body is different and beautiful.
Sex
When your tween has a full stomach and is in a calm mood I suggest you take a walk and talk about sex without too much eye contact.
It’s best to listen calmly, especially if your child opens up! After you’ve really listened to them, I mean really listen (take in what your kid says without thinking of a rebuttal) THEN you get the privilege to speak with them, shape them, and grant them freedom to talk with you at any time about anything. It’s okay to tell them you might not know the answer, but that you’ll think about it and get back to them.
As a parent you have the wonderful and tough job of shaping the way he/she/they feels about their body and the consensual nature of healthy sex. The onus is us to start the conversation.
Sex questions to ask your kid:
I know we don’t talk about this a ton, but I’m wondering what your friends are saying about sex?
What do you think Grandpa or Grandma would say if they were to give you “THE” sex talk?
I’m wondering if you’d like to hear some of my thoughts on sex?
Or you can try using your reflections as starters:
It would have been far less complicated if I could have talked openly about sex with my parents, I really wish they would have told me....
Sexual intercourse evolves throughout our lives, and it can be a very powerful connection, here’s a few things I think could help you out…
The sad side of this powerful connection is that people can get hurt, it’s so important to know your body and give consent, but if you’re ever in a position where you get hurt or someone else gets hurt, what do you think you would do?
Healthy Boundaries
It’s important for older kids to understand that pornographic images may not be real, or that the actors may be drugged or forced against their will. Explaining that the porn industry has been known to operate like the illegal drug industry, in that it is associated with human trafficking is powerful knowledge. This knowledge should be shared in an age appropriate way. Just mentioning these facts may influence your kid when it comes time to click or not to click.
Sharing with teens that it’s best to keep thoughtful boundaries around porn since research is showing us porn can be detrimental to our sex lives long term. FightTheNewDrug.org has great resources on this. It’s also important to note that masturbation (self-stimulation of the genitals) is totally normal for kids. Check out The American Academy of Pediatrics, healthychildren.org.
Questions about porn and healthy sexual expression to ask your kids:
Screens make it super easy for porn (fake sex) to pop up. Have you seen anything like this? How did it make you feel?
It’s totally normal to be curious about sex, and the porn industry can use that against you. How do you think they get people hooked on watching porn?
How can we as a family help set good boundaries around porn?
Use your reflections as starters:
I wish someone would have told me it was okay to use my own imagination to think about sex, there’s no need to mess with an online industry that is hurting people and families.
After thinking about this more, I’ve talked with some of the other parents and they agree porn use can be hurtful to developing brains, we’re all going to be monitoring screens a little bit more, do see why this could be helpful to you and your friends? (send a text to your parenting friends and ask if they’ll get on board).
We’re realizing we need to be more proactive to protect your sleep and keep you from harmful distractions, one way is to plug screens in by (9 pm, 10 pm, 11 pm- depending on the age of your kid). Would you consider partnering with us in this?
Why is this all so so difficult?!
Okay, I have to admit, these are really hard things for me to discuss with my teenage boys. Whenever possible, I stay closely connected to their friends' parents to make sure we’re on the same page about porn. Now that my oldest son has moved into driving, working, dating, and high school sports I have far less control. I rely on those old foundations and our growing relational connection to keep talking about life (bodies/sex/drugs/dating/STD’s/Birth Control/and his stinky lacrosse bag.)
As parents, the onus is on us to discuss everything from stranger danger to circumcision to self-stimulation. That’s why it’s a discussion. You can start small. You don’t have to have it figured out, and you can fumble your way forward building trust with your teen along the way. The power of a vulnerable parent is not to be underestimated! When we journey into topics that involve not only the human body but the human heart as well our teens will most likely listen (even if they won’t look at you.) We have far more to gain by this type of engaging discussion than we have to lose. Journey on dear parents, I’m in it with you!